Wednesday, 21 October 2009

One month today

Well I have been a bad blogger, haven't I!

I am due on 21st November which is one month today. Scary!! We have everything ready for twiddle and I have now finished work so just a few cupboards etc that I want to sort out before she is here!
My nephew was born on 12th October, they named him Benjamin Robert. He is the cutest but meeting him really brought home the fact that I will have a real baby! Still haven't packed my hospital bag though!
It is wierd not going to work and I know I wont notice the time passing when twiddle is here but at the moment it feels like I am skiving!

Thursday, 18 June 2009

I am so naughty!

I really should update this more often! But the thing is I don't have anything to moan about!

Following on for the last post on a whistle stop tour. Mum and I had a lovely day out if not exhausting! I decided that the pliko pramette was the pram for me! About 2 weeks later mum found a great deal which got us the pram plus the car seat (pram usually cost £345 and car seat £120) for £300! So we got them! Mum isists on keeping the pram at hers for now though.

The other massive piece of news is that I was right! I am havin a little girl :) We don't have a name for her yet but she is becoming more and more real each day. I love thinking about my daughter.

Oh and we decided to move! I know it is a little out of the blue but we accidentally found this gorgeous house and we are set to move in on the 15th July! I really do choose the silliest times to move! Last time we moved it was a week before the wedding! It will be nice to have a garden!

And I have been sworn to secrecy but I have to tell someone! My brother and Jo (who are having a little boy 6 weeks before me) are thinking about moving to Gloucester!!!!!!!! The currently live in Cardiff because Rich went to uni there but he has finished uni now! It will be nice to have another mum so close!

I think that is it for the whistle stop tour and I promise not to leave it so long next time!

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Lets Catch Up!

Whoops! Haven't updated for so so long!

Well here is what has happened. I started being sick at 11 weeks, I thought my morning sickness had started. I couldn't keep anything down and felt absolutely rotten. After a week I contacted my midwife who said she didn't think it was morning sickness as it would just start intensively at 11 weeks. So she told me to see my GP, he said I probably had a bug and it would stop in a day or so. Surely enough the next day I was fine! So that is my brush with morning sickness!!

Overall I think I have gotten away lightly in the first trimester. The tiredness was dire but at least I didn't have morning sickness!

We went for our 12 week scan, it was magical! Obviously I have seen loads of 12 week scan pics but to see our baby on the screen dancing around was so surreal. It had little boney legs that it was kicking me with but I couldn't feel a thing! I can't wait to feel the baby move! I wish I knew how to post pictures on here so I could share!

I have a scan booked on 6th June when I will be 16 weeks where we will find out if it is a girl or a boy. I am convinced it is a girl, if the tell me it is a boy it will probably take a week to sink in! I don't mind whether it is a boy or a girl but whenever I think forward to me with a baby I think of a little girl!

Tomorrow I have the day booked off and my mum and I are going to play with the prams in mamas and papas. I think I want the Pliko Pramette in Grape. I am so looking forward to spending time with mum!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Work is stressful! Arrgh!!!

I work as a receptionist in a lovely building with lovely people and I really enjoy my job. HOWEVER...

Part of my job is to oversee the security guard, now the building is open from 7am until 8pm as the staff are on flexitime so can work when they want as long as they complete their hours. I work 9am until 5pm so when I am not here the security guard is. But when I came back from honeymoon there had been a change and I was not to start on reception until 10am as the security guard had to make up an extra 5 hours as per the contract they have with my company.

Anyway, the security guards we have been given have never been very good!

There was Khan - the guy who believed he owned the building and everyone in it. He believed that because I was a women he was in charge of me and I had to be submissive to him. He was also cheating on his wife with one of the cleaners sisters and as such he and the cleaners would regularly have massive arguments in the building!

Then there was Charlie - he was an alcoholic who came into work drunk, invited his dodgy mates to hang around in reception and 'borrowed' money from the charity collection. He also brought his kids into work on a few occasions and one of those occassions one of the toilets was vandalised with poo smeared all over the walls!

Then came Abs, well he was harmless enough, bit lazy but compared to the others a saint!

Then Maha, She had just moved to england from India with her new husband and believed she shouldn't have to work. Apparently she had a degree in some kind of science I think. She was always ill and was depressed when she had to work on her birthday! I was trying to train her as she was making a few mistakes but she took offence and stopped doing anything at all!

And now we have Steve, he has been out of work probably since before I was born! He has a problem with personal hygine, his clothes always smell like he has wet himself, and he is always farting the most disgusting smells! But he is simply unable to do his job on reception!! Not a day goes by when there isn't something he does wrong Grrr

Today, for example, we have 6 visitors spaces and they were all booked. We had 3 visitors turn up unannounced, expecting a car space. Instead of him asking them to wait for 30 seconds so I can sort it out ( I sit around the corner) he lets them into the building (without an escort, which is another no no!) so I am left to pick up the pieces and sort out the mess. Fair enough, it wasn't his fault they turned up, but the way he handled the problem is his fault and it stresses me out so much!!

Hmmm, I do feel a little better now :)

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

A Wonderful Nephew

It has been onfirmed! Jo is having a boy!! I will have a nephew, how exciting!

Although I am very jealous that I have to wait 6 weeks to find out what I am having!

Friday, 24 April 2009

10 weeks pregnant!

Well I am 10 weeks pregnant :) According to my internet reading, all the baby's major organs are formed and the most critical stage is over

I managed to speak to my doctor and asked why he had said I wasn't ovulation and as such 'infertile', he simply said 'oh well we must have been taking the blood tests at the wrong point in your cycle' This made me quite angry and I was devestated, and without sounding dramatic, having suicidal thoughts with his 'infertility' crap. I wish he had just said something inconclusive like we need to do more tests so I will refer you.

I remember thinking, when I thought I was infertile, that all I have ever wanted is a family. I have never been career or achedemically minded. All I have ever wanted was to be a mum everything else came second. I was thinking that if I cannot have children then what the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life and thinking that I wouldn't care if I died as I have nothing to look forward to.

How different my life looks now!! We are so happy.

Although we did have a massive row the other night! Gavin is working really long hours at work at the moment and I am exhausted because of the pregnancy. So the house is a mess and neither of us want to cook dinner. So we had a massive row over basically nothing. But afterwards we made up by cuddling in bed.

Cuddling seems to be the only thing we do in bed right now! At first I was too scared, even though I knew my fears were silly I couldn't get past them! And now I want to but we are both to tired! Since I found out I was pregnant we have only done the deed twice! I might make a big effort at the weekend :)

Tomorrow I will find out if I am having a Niece or a Nephew! Rich and Jo are going to Baby Bond to have a gender scan, I have booked mine for 6th June. Sometimes it is really annoying being 6 weeks behind coz I want to know what I am having!

I think it is a girl but because I want a girl I think this may be wishful thinking. The trouble is a really cannot imagine having a boy!

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Pure Relief! :)

Just a quick one, I wanted to let everyone know that we saw our baby's heartbeat at the scan :D

I can't believe how happy and relaxed I feel.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Oh So Nervous...

Lets catch up on last week :)

On wednesday it was my dads birthday so we went for a chinese, by that I meant that Gavin and my dad had chinese and my mum and I had english meals! lol It was also the day that I got the text about baby Jacob. I haven't heard much else accept she says it is a lot more difficult than she expected. eek!

On Thursday I had my first Midwifes appointment, I had to answer a million questions and when you see your family history on paper you start to worry about all the problems your baby might have. In our case we have put our baby at risk of Learning Difficulties, Epilepsy, Heart Disease and blood clots. Nice. Anyway we got our pregnancy pack and went straight to Asda to pick up our Bounty pack. We then went to my parents as Gavin was doing the pub quiz with my dad. I went to bed at 8pm!

On Friday we went to Gavins mums, it was the first time we had seen her since we told her the news. She is just as excited as my mum! It is lovely to have some good news to share as his family seem to be falling apart. With Mike and Gayles seperation things are strained. The kids still dont know anything though.

On Saturday I had a lazy day at my mums, it was lovely and sunny so we sat in the garden and read. In the evening we watched Britains got Talent and I was trying to spot myself, they haven't been to Cardiff yet!

On Sunday my cousin Nicky and my Aunty Mary came to visit. Nicky is due in 9 weeks and had a lovely bump!

On Monday we went home! We cleaned the flat and watched a few movies.

Today, the reason I am so so nervous... I have my scan. I know that my fear is silly. That I would know if something was wrong. I have all the symptoms of pregnancy (aprat from sickness lol!) BUT... I am terrified that there will be no heartbeat.

It is at 4:30pm, counting the seconds.

Anyway I have done a little research and if there is a heart beat at 8 weeks (I am 8+3) then I have a 98% chance of a healthy pregnancy.

Please pray for me xxx

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Welcome Jacob!!

Just a quick post to say I just recieved a text message from Michelle.

She had a baby boy today and thinks she will call him Jacob :)

I am sure I will hear more as soon as they are all settled.

It kinda made me realise that at the end of all this a real baby will be mine. Oh wow.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Sleeping and Eating

Thats all I seem to be doing right now! Inbetween the sleeping and eating (as rare as it it!) seems punctuated with yawning and worrying!

On Saturday Gavin (DH) and I went to my brothers to get my new phone. Whoopie I have a blackberry! On a really good deal too :) £25 a month, 600 anytime any network minutes, 400 texts and unlimited net usage. I also got £120 cashback, I have even managed to save £50 of that for the baby fund! I went to Ikea and looked at the kids section and bought Gavins favourite Sweedish Meatballs, not forgetting the special gravy and the loganberry sauce! We also had a lovely lunch in Whetherspoons whilst watching the Grand National. My brother Rich won second place and I won 3rd place :) Although we actually only managed to win our money back lol!

On Sunday we went to a bootfair, we normally go to the Folly Farm one in Coleford but this time we went to the Hempstead Meadows one in Gloucester. It was smaller but had more bargains :) I got another Murder Mystery Game, this one was set in the 80's! I got Gavin a Filofax so he can stop complaning that he wants one (he ony wants one coz I have one. The difference is I actually use mine!) I got a childrens book that I used to read when I was little called the Jolly Postman and a photo fram that says 'Nana & Grandads little Angel' I am gonna put my scan pics in for my mum and dad :) Sara was also there with her 'Everything for a pound' stall! lol I think we will have to do a boot fair soon so we can clear a place for our baby to sleep :)

On sunday night Sara and I went swimming, we had been told through insider information that after 6pm on a Sunday the reception in the local gym wasn't manned and we could go straight through without having to pay! I know it is very naughty but that is what we did and we had a lovely time :) Then Gavin and I met up with her and had a few games of pool but we had to leave early coz I got really tired.

Yesterday I was too tired to cook so Gavin and I went to Frankie and Benny's, and then we went to Mothercare :) It is far too early to buy anything but it is nice to look.

Friday, 3 April 2009

7 weeks pregnant

I have been trying to upload some pictures on here but it's not working :(

Well I am now 7 weeks pregnant and in my 8th week of pregnancy! My baby is about the size of a 5p piece! Tomorrow I am going to my brothers in Cardiff, we are going to get me a blackberry! As well as going to Ikea, Mothercare and Mamas and Papas! Yay!

Everyone knows now, so much for keeping it quiet until 12 weeks. I think I always knew I wouldn't be able to!

At lunch I went into town with my friend Sara, we went into H&M and found some gorgeous baby outfits and them I spent £6 on pick and mix!! Eek!

OH and did you know... you can withdraw £5 notes from Barclays. How cool! I didn't need £5 but I withdrew it anyway.

Last night I slept for 12 hours! I feel good so far today but it is normally 3pm that I start to feel tired.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

I cannot believe how tired I am!!

Yesterday was a bad day. I was so tired, I kept making silly mistakes in work and I got quite upset. It is easy to say it the pregnancy hormones but I felt awful. Gavin (DH) picked me up from work and instead of cooking we ordered pizza (in all honesty, picking up the phone and ordering was tiring enough!) then we sat in front of the TV and went to bed at 8pm again!

Our flat is such a mess, it is really getting to me. I did a little bit of tidying this morning but still loads to do. I have no clothes to wear! They are all in the washing basket!

This morning I put the food in the slow cooker so at least I know that we will have a healthy meal tonight. It got me thinking that someone should open a healthy meal delivery service. I am not talking uber healthy but something other than pizza and burgers. Something like toad in the hole, BBQ chicken, Pasta Bake, Sausage and Mash etc. Mmmmmm Mashed Potato, I can't get enough of it at the moment :)

I did another clear blue test last night! It came out 'Pregnant 3+', so I am definitely still pregnant!

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

My Symptoms so far...

Well my main symptom is tiredness. For example yesterday I was so exhausted I didn't have the energy to cook dinner! DH cooked instead and I sat in front of th TV until 8pm, when I went to bed!

I also feel a little ill if I don't eat regularly, I wouldn't call it nausea, it is more like extream hunger that makes me feel dizzy and ill.

My boobs are really sore and I think they feel fuller, sometimes it feels like I being stabbed in the nipple with a needle! I am scared that they will grow even bigger! Before pregnancy they were already a G cup so I may have to go shopping for hammocks!!

Apparently, according to What to Expect, my baby is growing 100 brain cells a minute. So by my calculations it is already brainer that its dad! Tee Hee!!

DH told me this morning that he is really looking forward to the scan and seeing our baby, although he is scared that something is wrong. I feel the same, everytime I go the toilet I expect to be devestated by the sight of blood. But so far, touch wood, everything seems okay. (I actually did touch my wooden desk then!)

I think I have worked out how to add pictures so to test this I have added a picture of the cot my mum is buying me. I am not sure if it is working though!

Monday, 30 March 2009

What a surprise!!

Well the plan for this weekend was to go to my parents as my brother and his girlfriend, Jo, were there.

I always hate calling her his girlfriend as they have been together for 3 and a half years, own a house together and as as much 'married' as DH and I are! (minus the pretty dress and paperwork!) To me 'Girlfriend' seems such a temporary term.

Anyway before I go to share my news about my 6 week pregnancy, Richard (my brother) told me Jo was 12 weeks pregnant! Wow!! After digesting this amazing news, I realised how thankful I was for my own pregnancy. Can you imagine how I would feel hearing the news that Jo had accidentally gotten pregnant after changing her pill when I couldn't get pregnant and had been trying for 9 months!!

Anyway I had a lovely weekend talking baby stuff and imagining the little cousins growing up together!This Christmas will be so cool!

Does anyone know to post photos on here? I would love to show you some pics!!

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Holding my breath

Thats the only way I can describe it, I am holding my breath, hoping that nothing is going to go wrong.

I woke up the other day convinced I had dreamt the whole pregnancy thing, I had to call DH, who already thinks I am a pregnancy pcsycho, and he had to confirm that it wasn't a dream! I had a horrible dream last night that I lost the baby, it was so traumatic. I was glad when I woke up but I feel exhuasted today.

My emotions are everywhere! I cried when DH told me how excited he was to be having this baby! I cried when he said he was still hungry after dinner (I panicked that if I couldn't look after him properly then how was I going to look after a baby, and if I can't keep goldfish or plants alive what hope does my baby have)

My boobs are really sore too and they have grown slightly. I have bought a wireless bra from M & S to see if it helps at all.
The other problem is that I cannot stand anything tight around my stomach, and before I found out I was pregnant I was very down and when I am down I overeat so all my trousers are too tight. I am currently sitting here with elastic bands holding my trousers up and I am only 5+5! (thats 5 weeks and 5 days!)

I am going to my mums tonight to look through catalogues for baby stuff! :)

Friday, 20 March 2009

I still cant believe it!

I had to do anothe clear blue this morning to confirm it to myself!

We told my mum and dad the other night my dad was made up and my mum started crying!

I have booked a viability scan for the 14th April with BabyBond to put my mind at rest, I am so worried that something will go wrong. I was almost in tears last night worrying!

I still don't have any symptoms though...

I am going to the doctors at lunch today to hand in my wee sample to confirm it and to arrange my booking appointment with the midwife.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

On top of the world

So happy!

Got home last night and showed DH the clear blue test that spelled it out! He still didn't believe me! lol So I did another one in front of him and it seemed to sink in!

We told his mum last night and plan to tell my mum tonight, it is great to have some good news for once!

We are trying to keep it quiet until the 12 week mark, however I have accidentally told Michelle, Carrie, Emma and Karen! eek! DH doesn't know that bit!

I called my doctor who is made up for us! He tryed to schedule a 6 week viability scan but couldn't so looks like we may have to pay £100 for one.

So Happy!

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

This really is happening!!

I just did one of those clearblue digital test and it came up 'Pregnant' '1-2 weeks'

The fog has lifted

I have turned the corner and the sun is out :)

It was my granny's funeral yesterday and it was beautiful. So nice to see all these people who loved Granny. My dad did the most perfect eulogy that made us all cry. She was such a tough women who wouldn't want us to be sad or upset and today I feel I can go on with my life, thankful that she was part of it. As my mum said, I am her legacy to the world.

The money situation I know isn't going to go away overnight, however my parents have lent us the money and we will pay them back £200 a month for the next 20 months. It means we won't have to pay interest on the overdrafts and can get rid of them. I wish this was the only debt I have, I also have a car loan and a personal loan with just less than 3 years to go taking £700 a month. But at least we know we are debt free in less than 3 years.

The infertility situation. Well the doctor said my progesterone levels were low and so it was unlikely that I was ovulating. I think my Granny had a word with someone up there as on the morning of her funeral I got my BFP! I am so so worried as I know that miscarriage is very likely if my progesterone levels are still low but I can't help but have a positive feeling about this.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to see if he can do a blood test to check my hormone levels to put my mind at rest, hopefully he can let me have a viability scan too.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

It just gets worse

Another reason to feel down, but this time it is my own fault.

You see in the past when I got depressed I used to shop. Spend money on crap. And well I have been doing this again. I was already overdrawn by £2000 and then our car needed repairing and with my depression spending we owe £4000 on our overdrafts.

DH thinks we need to move out of our flat and into a bedsit :(

I have really let hime down and I feel awful. I wonder why he sticks with me...

Monday, 9 March 2009

Too Late.

What an awful weekend.

We left work and drove the 3 hours to The Wirral. On the way I am simultanously texting Chris and Claire trying to get us all to meet up for a meal. Claire and I had planned to meet up for about a fortnight and had planned to go to Whetherspoons as it was cheap and cheerful. First of all Chris says that they won't be serving food after 8pm, so claire called them and they confirmed they were serving food until 10pm. (Bearing in mind all this is being done by text!) Then Chris says actually he doesn't want to go the Whetherspoons as it will be busy on a Friday night, so I text Claire to see if there was anywhere else she wanted to go. She starts to get pissed off that I am changing the plans at such short notice and says that I should go somewhere with Chris and we could meet with her another time. Realising I am pissing Claire off because of Chris being difficult I say that No I will meet her as originally planned and that it is chris's loss if he doesn't want to come. I text a similar (but nicer) message to Chris saying we will see him after the meal as we are staying at his. He simply texts back 'forget it'. We arrive at Whetherspoons and Claire isn't there. At this point I broke down. I was trying to keep both of them happy and ended up pissing them both off.

I left an emotional voicemail on claires phone as she wasn't picking up and I called Chris to smooth things over. As it turns out Claire had gone to the other Whetherspoons in Birkenhead so wasn't in a mood with me but had already ordered food so we called it a day and promised to meet up next time I was up. Chris occassionally gets into his sulks like this but I just ignore them! So we ended up going to Frankie and Benny's with Chris.

At the meal I discussed with my friends whether I should see my Granny or not. They each had a story to tell and advice to give but each agreed there was no 'Right' or 'Wrong'. I decided I would see my Granny in the morning.

The next morning I was getting ready to leave to go and see her when my dad called to say she had just died. I was too late, my mum says I should see it as Granny protecting me, making sure I never saw her so ill. The problem is I couldn't dwell on it, My best friends baby shower was that afternoon and I was planning it. I really couldn't let her down.

I felt a bit like a zombie. Although laughing and joking on the outside with all her guests and was crumbling inside. I left early, although not too early. I didn't want to ruin her baby shower.

On sunday we left Chris's early and drove home. I didn't want to see anyone, I was sick of having to smile when I was rumbling inside. The whole 3 hour journey home I couldn't stop thinking about Granny. We got to my mums where we are staying to look after her kittens while she is up north with dad, helping him deal with the funeral arrangments.

I feel numb, in all honesty. It still doesn't feel real, I feel like I need to cry and let it all out but I can't.

And to top it all off DH and I have overspent this month by £600!! I have no idea where the money has gone :(

Friday, 6 March 2009

Should I say Goodbye?

I can't believe it is friday...

As I get older and I am experiencing life more and more I truly believe that life is either good or bad.

Problems mount up until you think you cant cope with them anymore. Like you are walking in the wind and rain and every time you manage to step forawrd the wind blows you back.

That is until your problems gradually get solved one by one and then you turn the corner and the rain stops and the sun is out.

I believe it is a never ending cycle.

Anyway I hope that I am about to turn the corner as this blog thing is starting to get depressive! My Granny is on her deathbed now. The macmillan nurses have said it is more like days, from the sounds of it she may not even make it past the weekend. This devestates me and puts all our fertility struggles into perspective. I am going up north this weekend as I am arranging my friends baby shower for her. my Granny lives about 10 mins for my friend so I am torn as to whether I should see her or not.

On one hand, I feel I should. She has done so much for me in my life.

On the other, my dad says I shouldn't as she doesn't look good. She is sleeping all the time and would know I was there anyway. Part of me says that she is such a proud woman, she wouldn't want to be seen like that.

But then is that me just trying to make myself feel better about myself. I feel torn so I will see how I feel when I am up there. My worry is that what ever I decide will make me feel bad.

If I go I will remember her being ill, if I don't go I will feel the guilt of not saying good bye properly.

The last time I saw her was in November, she was fine. She was having a good day. God I am going to miss her xxx

Just spoken to some friends of mine and they pointed out that I am already imagining what she is like so I should go and see her as otherwise I will feel guilty.

Still so confused...

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

London and Sperm Tests!!


London was great! We got there and went straight to the hotel (Hilton Hyde Park!) then we got changed and went to harrods where everything was so far out of our price range even 3 of me could afford the stuff! For example a lovely purple photo album, that I though would be lovely to put our wedding pics in - £220!! OMG!

We then went for a lovely meal at Maxwells in Covent Garden. The meal was gorgeous, and the service perfect! We had an hour before the show so DH persuaded me to go on one of those bike taxi's with him! It was hair raising at times but we went round covent garden, china town and soho! We got settled in our seats at the Cambridge Theatre and watched Chicago, we loved the film and the show didn't let us down!

The next day didn't go to plan as the circle line had been closed. We had wanted to go to the Tower of London but I guess that will have to wait until the next time we are in London. We ended up in Trafalgar Square, not somewhere I have ever felt the need to go but it was lovely. Maybe something to do with the weather, it was nice and sunny! We walked down Whitehall and saw 12 Downing Street! lol and the continued to Westminster Abbey. We spent a few hours in Westminster Abbey which was lovely. We lit a candle together and prayed for a child which felt surprisingly spiritual.

We then went back to covent garden for lunch and a mooch around the pavement acts! Gavin got roped in to help one of the acts which was very funny. And then we went home and recovered!!

The next day we had a quiet day, we needed one! We went to a support group for people with gastric bands, I had mine fitted 2 years ago and I have lost about 4 stone but funnily have never met anyone else with one. It was good to meet people and compare symptoms etc. At least I know my violent hiccups are normal! Oh and my burping lol

Today DH booked the appointment for him to hand his 'Specimen'! lol It is on the 12th March. I feel like a giggly schoolgirl, which is weird coz I never normally get embarrassed about things like this. My mum used to be a nurse in a STD clinic so I know that the nurses and doctors aren't phased by anything!

I am worried though. I don't want there to be anything wrong with him. I can cope with there being something wrong with me. But I don't want him to go through that.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

The 'C' word.

Well after my last post I am sure you understand why I have been so quiet.

To bring you up to speed...

When the doctor called me 'infertile' I lost all hope. I spent the weekend in dispair. Sounds dramatic but that is exactly how I felt. I cannot imagine living my life without children, my whole life to this point has been getting to a stage where I can happily welcome a child into my life. What am I meant to do without that? I am not exactly a career woman! lol

Anyway after talking to DH and mum I have decided to fight. DH has to have his tests before the doctor will refer us but this isn't the end of the road.

My granny has been in hospital again. She has cancer, has had for nearly 5 years. They told her 5 years ago she had less than a year to live, but she is a fighter. However the doctors are admitting her to a hospice, they say it is a matter of weeks not months now. It sounds wierd but as much as this upsets me, I feel lucky. I have had 5 years with her that I shouldn't have had, and because of those five years I got to have her at my wedding. I would have loved to have made her a great granny but it just isn't meant to be. Besides maybe she can pull a few strings for me up there!

When my grandad died 5 years ago we had no warning, there were so many things left unsaid, I am glad I can have the chance to say goodbye to my granny.

Anyway I have tomorrow off work as we are going to London for the weekend. One of our wedding presents was dinner and theatre for 2 so we are going for dinner in Covent Garden and then on to see Chicago. For christmas my mum paid for the hotel and thr train tickets so it is hardley costing us anything! I can't wait to go! Maybe it will help to take my mind off everything.

Friday, 20 February 2009

I am infertile...

It is official. The doctor says he wants to do tests on DH to make sure there are no problems there and then he will refer us.

I have looked into the fertilty treatment in Glos and I will get 6 months of fertility drugs like Clomid but if that doesn't work I will have to wait until I am 30 before I am eligable for IVF and even then I will only get one attempt.

Devestated isn't the word. I think I am going to give all my pregnancy related books and magazines away and find something else to concentrate on.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Valentines Day!

Well the weekend wasn't too bad. Mike arrived and he looked pathetic, I don't mean this in a mean way. His world has fallen apart and it shows. Gayle, his wife has gone back to South Africa 'to sort out her visa' but has said he only has 2-3% chance of her returning as his wife. I think she is depressed, Mike said that she has said that she feels 'Empty'. And what kind of sane women would leave her husband and kids and go to a different country miles away?

Gayle... well she is my sister in law but I have always had the feeling that she didn't like me. I always felt like I wasn't 'cool' enough to be in her gang!

Mike... such a lovely guy. He is one of the few really good men around.

We took Mike out on Valentines Day night to a few bars around Gloucester! It was such a stressful night! He had decided he was going to 'pull', egged on by DH who thought it would be good for him. Neither of them listened to my pleas that no good would come of it, and no matter what he would end up feeling guilty. And neither of them spared a thought for whoever he would pull! Thankfully he failed to pull, not due to him but maybe me cunningly taking him to a 'brilliant' club that I just couldn't seem to find in my 'drunkeness'!lol I am still not sure if he was serious about pulling but I know I didn't want to take the chance! However he is conviced that Gayle is cheating on him in SA.

Anyway enough about other people and more about me! lol
After Mike left on Sunday afternoon DH and I started out Valentines Day! He had bought me my favourite movie on Blue-Ray. 'The Notebook' he pressed play and the film started and I started crying! I cryed all through the film! I love the film so so much! I think I will read the book again, even the book makes me cry!

AF arrived at the weekend, only 10 days late! I really think that they are so irregular because of my progesterone levels. I get my blood test results on Friday and if the levels are still low then I will be refered. After a bit of internet research I have found that I will probably be put on Clomid to regulate my hormones and stimulate my ovaries but that you have an 80% chance of ovulating in 3 months and of that 80% who do ovulate only 40% get pregnant. Which means overall I have a 32% chance of getting pregnant with Clomid. They will only give you Clomid for a maximum of 6 months. Hmmmmm

I know I am getting far far ahead of myself, I always do! But I like to be prepared. When we were discussing trying for a baby I bought loads of pregnancy books. I wanted to be sure I knew everything! The sad thing is my friend Shelly who found out she was pregnant when we started trying is due in April. It breaks my heart to hear about her pregnancy.

Friday, 13 February 2009

Blood Tests

Well I had my blood tests this morning. These are the ones to check the results of the previous blood tests! ARRRGGH!!
I get the results in a week and if my progesterone is still low then I will be refered to a specialist.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, our first as husband and wife. I had all these plans of a nice dinner, a slushy movie and a night of passion. Instead my brother in law is coming to stay.
I don't mind really, he is going through a really hard time as his wife has left him after 12 years of marriage. I just wish I could do something to take the pain away from him. He is such a lovely guy.

We have been looking at some houses as we wanted to upgrade from our flat. I am seeing 3 tomorrow to get me out of the house so DH can have some brotherly bonding time.

The good news is that as soon as we find our house we are going to adopt Wispa 2! Although we have named her Amber. She is so adorable and she really loves me! She is my baby surrogate!

Monday, 9 February 2009

Snowball Fights and Kittens

Well AF hasn't arrived I plucked up the courage to do a test yesterday and it was a BFN. I am thinking that maybe the stress of everything is delaying AF. The strange thing is, even though I am fully aware that if I do get pregnant the chance of MC is very high, I still hope that I will get my miracle.

Anyway the snow has been really bad here so a few snowball fights have been fun! Apart from the one where I was cornered and pelted by my dad, dh and a friend of the family! Ouch!

Went to see the kittens at my mums. They are so adorable. Oscar is so loving, he is like a little rag doll! Gracie is so prim and proper, always shadowing my mum! Wispa is the cutest, being longhaired she looks like a mini lion! And she loves her balls with the bells in! At the moment mum is also fostering Wispa's twin sister, they are identical apart from their eyes! We haven't named her as we don't want to get too attached but she is becoming known as Wispa 2! It breaks my heart that we can't adopt her, she has such a lovely manner.

Not much planned for this week! On saturday it is Valentines Day, our first as man and wife. I am planning a nice meal for DH but I still need to get him a card lol!

Wednesday, 4 February 2009


Hi Nilo and thanks for your comments!

I would agree that in school we are lead to believe that simply holding hands with a boy can lead to pregnancy! lol

Unfortunatly this isn't the case, if I weren't the control freak that I am I would follow everyones advice and let it happen naturally! They recommend BD every 2-3 days.

However if you want to know a bit of what I have learnt then read on!

The hormone estrogen builds up and around day 14 of your cycle (this will change depending on the length of your cycle) you will ovulate. Your egg will only 'live' for 6-12 hours. Sperm can live for upto 3-5 days. However even if the sperm and the egg are in the same place at the same time there is only a 20% chance of it leading to pregnancy.

They say that 90% of women will get pregnant within a year of trying.

It is just the luck of the draw.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009


As the title would indicate, I am exhausted.

Firstly though, I have read up on what low progesterone levels mean. Progesterone is the hormone that makes your womb lining thicken. With a thin womb lining it is unlikely that A. the egg would be able to implant and B. miscarriage risk is higher

It is funny though, I still hold out hope that a miracle will happen and I will get my sticky BFP! I am due to go for more blood tests in 2 weeks to confirm the results. At which time I will then be refered to a specialist.

So, the reason why I am so tired! Yesterday I left work at 4pm with some friends from work and DH. I got free tickets to see Britains Got Talent Auditions in Cardiff. It was amazing and I am quite ashamed to say I got really star struck when I saw Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden, Simon Cowell, Ant & Dec!!! Wow!

Plus the acts were so cool and we got to cheer and boo!! I wonder if I will be able to see myself on tv! We didn't get home until 1am so I am knackered!! At least it took my mind off everything.

Tonight I am getting dinner from the chippy and going to bed at 6pm!!

Friday, 30 January 2009

So confused...


I had small cramps in my lower stomach. Not like AF was coming but simliar. I put it down to needing a wee! So I went for a wee and wiped... Do not read on if you don't want to hear TMI!!

I wiped a huge glob of cervical mucus, it was like EWCM but far thicker and stickier and loads of it, almost the size of a ping pong ball. I spoke to some friends who said this was a very good sign on implantation. So I was on cloud nin last night! Still only BFN's but it could be too early for the pregnancy hormone to show.

This morning...
I went to the doctors to talk about my blood results. Something unconnected with TTC is that my blood viscosity is slightly raised. My blood is too thick lol! He wants to re test the blood to see if it was just an annomoly. But he also found that my progesterone levels were low. He siad this could be because we did the blood test at the wrong time but he wants to retest to see if the levels have changed.

Now my thinking is that when I went to have the blood tests I think I ovulated that day. Which means my progesterone levels would be low because they don't rise until 7 DPO...

So... is there still a chance I will get my BFP?? Now you see why I am confused!

Thursday, 29 January 2009


So I am seven days past ovulation... I think!
The good news is I am 95% sure I ovulated, the bad news is, even if I ovulated I only have a 25% chance of getting my BFP!

I am trying to stay positive and I have a strange calm feeling telling me I am pregnant. Trouble is if I am not pregnant I am gonna feel so much worse.

My blood tests came back with everything normal or okay so that is a relief, however the doctor does want to speak to me about the viscosity of my blood???? I have an appointment tomorrow.

Some good news! I got free tickets to see Britains got Talent being filmed in Cardiff! Whoop Whoop! I go with DH and my brother and his girlfriend on Monday yay!

Hopefully by then I will know if I am pregnant or not...

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Feeling better, but guilty

So as it turns out Claire isn't pregnant, I misunderstood her facebook status. She was just optimistic as she ovulated this month and BD at the right time. I feel so guilty because, although I didn't tell her what I had presumed and how I had felt about that, I still felt that way.

Suzi has also officially told me that she is pregnant, before it was just office whispers. It is official now, she is due in August. I am honestly made up for her, but selfishly I hope it is my turn next!

Last night I got my first EWCM, I hadn't had it before asI have been on the depo and before that the implant for as long as I can remember! This means it is quite possible that I will ovulate soon. This makes me optimistic, if I were to get pregnant I would be due in October.

The trouble is I keep on getting my hopes up, like this, only for them to be dashed. I hope this time I get my wish. I already know exactly what pram/cot/etc I want!

I have an appointment on Thursday to have my bloods taken. I went to the doctors before Christmas as I hadn't had a period since stopping the depo (I only had one injection!) And so had been 6 months without anything. So he suggested that I have bloods taken to check my hormone levels.

Michelle posted pics of her 7 months bump on facebook, she has a lovely bump!

In other news, my mum got her kittens and they are adorable. 2 girls and a boy called Wispa, Gracie & Oscar. On Saturday I will go to hers and my brother will be there too, so that will be nice.

Friday, 16 January 2009

Everyone is pregnant but me!!

My best friend Shelly is
My cousin Nicky is
My close friend Suzi is
My friend Karen in
My collegue Sarah is
My fellow TTCer Claire is


I have been trying for 7 gruelling months, why oh why can't I get pregnant.

Been really tearful today, found out Claire was pregnant, she and I were supporting each other TTC, I am made up for her but had hoped it would be my turn first. She has only been trying for 4 months and she has PCOS.

Its all the stupid Depo injection's fault, I only had one and then I didn't have a period for 6 months. Now for the last 6 weeks I have had 3. One week on, one week off. I doubt I am ovulating.

Poo :(