Tuesday, 31 March 2009

My Symptoms so far...

Well my main symptom is tiredness. For example yesterday I was so exhausted I didn't have the energy to cook dinner! DH cooked instead and I sat in front of th TV until 8pm, when I went to bed!

I also feel a little ill if I don't eat regularly, I wouldn't call it nausea, it is more like extream hunger that makes me feel dizzy and ill.

My boobs are really sore and I think they feel fuller, sometimes it feels like I being stabbed in the nipple with a needle! I am scared that they will grow even bigger! Before pregnancy they were already a G cup so I may have to go shopping for hammocks!!

Apparently, according to What to Expect, my baby is growing 100 brain cells a minute. So by my calculations it is already brainer that its dad! Tee Hee!!

DH told me this morning that he is really looking forward to the scan and seeing our baby, although he is scared that something is wrong. I feel the same, everytime I go the toilet I expect to be devestated by the sight of blood. But so far, touch wood, everything seems okay. (I actually did touch my wooden desk then!)

I think I have worked out how to add pictures so to test this I have added a picture of the cot my mum is buying me. I am not sure if it is working though!

Monday, 30 March 2009

What a surprise!!

Well the plan for this weekend was to go to my parents as my brother and his girlfriend, Jo, were there.

I always hate calling her his girlfriend as they have been together for 3 and a half years, own a house together and as as much 'married' as DH and I are! (minus the pretty dress and paperwork!) To me 'Girlfriend' seems such a temporary term.

Anyway before I go to share my news about my 6 week pregnancy, Richard (my brother) told me Jo was 12 weeks pregnant! Wow!! After digesting this amazing news, I realised how thankful I was for my own pregnancy. Can you imagine how I would feel hearing the news that Jo had accidentally gotten pregnant after changing her pill when I couldn't get pregnant and had been trying for 9 months!!

Anyway I had a lovely weekend talking baby stuff and imagining the little cousins growing up together!This Christmas will be so cool!

Does anyone know to post photos on here? I would love to show you some pics!!

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Holding my breath

Thats the only way I can describe it, I am holding my breath, hoping that nothing is going to go wrong.

I woke up the other day convinced I had dreamt the whole pregnancy thing, I had to call DH, who already thinks I am a pregnancy pcsycho, and he had to confirm that it wasn't a dream! I had a horrible dream last night that I lost the baby, it was so traumatic. I was glad when I woke up but I feel exhuasted today.

My emotions are everywhere! I cried when DH told me how excited he was to be having this baby! I cried when he said he was still hungry after dinner (I panicked that if I couldn't look after him properly then how was I going to look after a baby, and if I can't keep goldfish or plants alive what hope does my baby have)

My boobs are really sore too and they have grown slightly. I have bought a wireless bra from M & S to see if it helps at all.
The other problem is that I cannot stand anything tight around my stomach, and before I found out I was pregnant I was very down and when I am down I overeat so all my trousers are too tight. I am currently sitting here with elastic bands holding my trousers up and I am only 5+5! (thats 5 weeks and 5 days!)

I am going to my mums tonight to look through catalogues for baby stuff! :)

Friday, 20 March 2009

I still cant believe it!

I had to do anothe clear blue this morning to confirm it to myself!

We told my mum and dad the other night my dad was made up and my mum started crying!

I have booked a viability scan for the 14th April with BabyBond to put my mind at rest, I am so worried that something will go wrong. I was almost in tears last night worrying!

I still don't have any symptoms though...

I am going to the doctors at lunch today to hand in my wee sample to confirm it and to arrange my booking appointment with the midwife.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

On top of the world

So happy!

Got home last night and showed DH the clear blue test that spelled it out! He still didn't believe me! lol So I did another one in front of him and it seemed to sink in!

We told his mum last night and plan to tell my mum tonight, it is great to have some good news for once!

We are trying to keep it quiet until the 12 week mark, however I have accidentally told Michelle, Carrie, Emma and Karen! eek! DH doesn't know that bit!

I called my doctor who is made up for us! He tryed to schedule a 6 week viability scan but couldn't so looks like we may have to pay £100 for one.

So Happy!

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

This really is happening!!

I just did one of those clearblue digital test and it came up 'Pregnant' '1-2 weeks'

The fog has lifted

I have turned the corner and the sun is out :)

It was my granny's funeral yesterday and it was beautiful. So nice to see all these people who loved Granny. My dad did the most perfect eulogy that made us all cry. She was such a tough women who wouldn't want us to be sad or upset and today I feel I can go on with my life, thankful that she was part of it. As my mum said, I am her legacy to the world.

The money situation I know isn't going to go away overnight, however my parents have lent us the money and we will pay them back £200 a month for the next 20 months. It means we won't have to pay interest on the overdrafts and can get rid of them. I wish this was the only debt I have, I also have a car loan and a personal loan with just less than 3 years to go taking £700 a month. But at least we know we are debt free in less than 3 years.

The infertility situation. Well the doctor said my progesterone levels were low and so it was unlikely that I was ovulating. I think my Granny had a word with someone up there as on the morning of her funeral I got my BFP! I am so so worried as I know that miscarriage is very likely if my progesterone levels are still low but I can't help but have a positive feeling about this.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to see if he can do a blood test to check my hormone levels to put my mind at rest, hopefully he can let me have a viability scan too.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

It just gets worse

Another reason to feel down, but this time it is my own fault.

You see in the past when I got depressed I used to shop. Spend money on crap. And well I have been doing this again. I was already overdrawn by £2000 and then our car needed repairing and with my depression spending we owe £4000 on our overdrafts.

DH thinks we need to move out of our flat and into a bedsit :(

I have really let hime down and I feel awful. I wonder why he sticks with me...

Monday, 9 March 2009

Too Late.

What an awful weekend.

We left work and drove the 3 hours to The Wirral. On the way I am simultanously texting Chris and Claire trying to get us all to meet up for a meal. Claire and I had planned to meet up for about a fortnight and had planned to go to Whetherspoons as it was cheap and cheerful. First of all Chris says that they won't be serving food after 8pm, so claire called them and they confirmed they were serving food until 10pm. (Bearing in mind all this is being done by text!) Then Chris says actually he doesn't want to go the Whetherspoons as it will be busy on a Friday night, so I text Claire to see if there was anywhere else she wanted to go. She starts to get pissed off that I am changing the plans at such short notice and says that I should go somewhere with Chris and we could meet with her another time. Realising I am pissing Claire off because of Chris being difficult I say that No I will meet her as originally planned and that it is chris's loss if he doesn't want to come. I text a similar (but nicer) message to Chris saying we will see him after the meal as we are staying at his. He simply texts back 'forget it'. We arrive at Whetherspoons and Claire isn't there. At this point I broke down. I was trying to keep both of them happy and ended up pissing them both off.

I left an emotional voicemail on claires phone as she wasn't picking up and I called Chris to smooth things over. As it turns out Claire had gone to the other Whetherspoons in Birkenhead so wasn't in a mood with me but had already ordered food so we called it a day and promised to meet up next time I was up. Chris occassionally gets into his sulks like this but I just ignore them! So we ended up going to Frankie and Benny's with Chris.

At the meal I discussed with my friends whether I should see my Granny or not. They each had a story to tell and advice to give but each agreed there was no 'Right' or 'Wrong'. I decided I would see my Granny in the morning.

The next morning I was getting ready to leave to go and see her when my dad called to say she had just died. I was too late, my mum says I should see it as Granny protecting me, making sure I never saw her so ill. The problem is I couldn't dwell on it, My best friends baby shower was that afternoon and I was planning it. I really couldn't let her down.

I felt a bit like a zombie. Although laughing and joking on the outside with all her guests and was crumbling inside. I left early, although not too early. I didn't want to ruin her baby shower.

On sunday we left Chris's early and drove home. I didn't want to see anyone, I was sick of having to smile when I was rumbling inside. The whole 3 hour journey home I couldn't stop thinking about Granny. We got to my mums where we are staying to look after her kittens while she is up north with dad, helping him deal with the funeral arrangments.

I feel numb, in all honesty. It still doesn't feel real, I feel like I need to cry and let it all out but I can't.

And to top it all off DH and I have overspent this month by £600!! I have no idea where the money has gone :(

Friday, 6 March 2009

Should I say Goodbye?

I can't believe it is friday...

As I get older and I am experiencing life more and more I truly believe that life is either good or bad.

Problems mount up until you think you cant cope with them anymore. Like you are walking in the wind and rain and every time you manage to step forawrd the wind blows you back.

That is until your problems gradually get solved one by one and then you turn the corner and the rain stops and the sun is out.

I believe it is a never ending cycle.

Anyway I hope that I am about to turn the corner as this blog thing is starting to get depressive! My Granny is on her deathbed now. The macmillan nurses have said it is more like days, from the sounds of it she may not even make it past the weekend. This devestates me and puts all our fertility struggles into perspective. I am going up north this weekend as I am arranging my friends baby shower for her. my Granny lives about 10 mins for my friend so I am torn as to whether I should see her or not.

On one hand, I feel I should. She has done so much for me in my life.

On the other, my dad says I shouldn't as she doesn't look good. She is sleeping all the time and would know I was there anyway. Part of me says that she is such a proud woman, she wouldn't want to be seen like that.

But then is that me just trying to make myself feel better about myself. I feel torn so I will see how I feel when I am up there. My worry is that what ever I decide will make me feel bad.

If I go I will remember her being ill, if I don't go I will feel the guilt of not saying good bye properly.

The last time I saw her was in November, she was fine. She was having a good day. God I am going to miss her xxx

Just spoken to some friends of mine and they pointed out that I am already imagining what she is like so I should go and see her as otherwise I will feel guilty.

Still so confused...

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

London and Sperm Tests!!


London was great! We got there and went straight to the hotel (Hilton Hyde Park!) then we got changed and went to harrods where everything was so far out of our price range even 3 of me could afford the stuff! For example a lovely purple photo album, that I though would be lovely to put our wedding pics in - £220!! OMG!

We then went for a lovely meal at Maxwells in Covent Garden. The meal was gorgeous, and the service perfect! We had an hour before the show so DH persuaded me to go on one of those bike taxi's with him! It was hair raising at times but we went round covent garden, china town and soho! We got settled in our seats at the Cambridge Theatre and watched Chicago, we loved the film and the show didn't let us down!

The next day didn't go to plan as the circle line had been closed. We had wanted to go to the Tower of London but I guess that will have to wait until the next time we are in London. We ended up in Trafalgar Square, not somewhere I have ever felt the need to go but it was lovely. Maybe something to do with the weather, it was nice and sunny! We walked down Whitehall and saw 12 Downing Street! lol and the continued to Westminster Abbey. We spent a few hours in Westminster Abbey which was lovely. We lit a candle together and prayed for a child which felt surprisingly spiritual.

We then went back to covent garden for lunch and a mooch around the pavement acts! Gavin got roped in to help one of the acts which was very funny. And then we went home and recovered!!

The next day we had a quiet day, we needed one! We went to a support group for people with gastric bands, I had mine fitted 2 years ago and I have lost about 4 stone but funnily have never met anyone else with one. It was good to meet people and compare symptoms etc. At least I know my violent hiccups are normal! Oh and my burping lol

Today DH booked the appointment for him to hand his 'Specimen'! lol It is on the 12th March. I feel like a giggly schoolgirl, which is weird coz I never normally get embarrassed about things like this. My mum used to be a nurse in a STD clinic so I know that the nurses and doctors aren't phased by anything!

I am worried though. I don't want there to be anything wrong with him. I can cope with there being something wrong with me. But I don't want him to go through that.