Friday, 6 March 2009

Should I say Goodbye?

I can't believe it is friday...

As I get older and I am experiencing life more and more I truly believe that life is either good or bad.

Problems mount up until you think you cant cope with them anymore. Like you are walking in the wind and rain and every time you manage to step forawrd the wind blows you back.

That is until your problems gradually get solved one by one and then you turn the corner and the rain stops and the sun is out.

I believe it is a never ending cycle.

Anyway I hope that I am about to turn the corner as this blog thing is starting to get depressive! My Granny is on her deathbed now. The macmillan nurses have said it is more like days, from the sounds of it she may not even make it past the weekend. This devestates me and puts all our fertility struggles into perspective. I am going up north this weekend as I am arranging my friends baby shower for her. my Granny lives about 10 mins for my friend so I am torn as to whether I should see her or not.

On one hand, I feel I should. She has done so much for me in my life.

On the other, my dad says I shouldn't as she doesn't look good. She is sleeping all the time and would know I was there anyway. Part of me says that she is such a proud woman, she wouldn't want to be seen like that.

But then is that me just trying to make myself feel better about myself. I feel torn so I will see how I feel when I am up there. My worry is that what ever I decide will make me feel bad.

If I go I will remember her being ill, if I don't go I will feel the guilt of not saying good bye properly.

The last time I saw her was in November, she was fine. She was having a good day. God I am going to miss her xxx

Just spoken to some friends of mine and they pointed out that I am already imagining what she is like so I should go and see her as otherwise I will feel guilty.

Still so confused...

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